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Volume III, Number 5, May, 2005

Proclaimed a HUGE Success!

*NPLB = No Pump Left Behind

The BUSH administration announced with pride today the results of its program to produce skyrocketing gas prices at every gas pump across the land.

100% success!
No pump left behind!

Unlike their NCLB program to raise test scores and take good care of all children in all schools - a program that has sputtered, faltered and produced little worth crowing about - NPLB has been a triumph of government engineering, achieving high prices at every single pump in every single state.

"We can announce with pride today that there are no malingerers, no laggards and no gas stations guilty of the soft bigotry of low expectations," proclaimed Federal Gas Mogul, Mr. Donald Petrolowner.

"Unlike the principals and teachers of this nation who have been unable to lift the scores of all children so that all read above average, we have had 100 per cent success."

"According to our data, every American family can now count on paying inflated gas prices no matter what station they visit and no matter what pump they select."

"Several years ago folks doubted that we could achieve such sweeping change in the life of citizens, but we have proven them wrong."

Recent studies have challenged whether the educational program has delivered on its promises, but no one has expressed any doubts regarding the gas price elevation strategies of this administration.

"They are magicians!" cheered one oil company executive. "I never thought we'd see prices go this high during my life time. In your dreams! But here I am living Heaven on earth."

American families seemed equally impressed by the grandeur of the new prices.

"They've done such a good job, I've revised my household budget, sold my Hummer and starting riding a bike to work," reported one Governor famed for his super hero status.

Mainland China, the leading exporter of low cost rickshaws, announced an aggressive lend-lease program for disadvantaged American families who were struggling to pay for transportation.

"We hope American families will buy our light weight rickshaw family vans as a way of adjusting to high gas prices."

The President was a bit smug when asked about his gasoline price achievements. It became clear that the country could trust him to maintain the policies that had led to such high prices.

When asked by one reporter what he might do to reverse the high prices, he seemed almost surprised by the question.

He ducked behind free market platitudes to explain why he would stand idly by as American families suffered at the pumps.

In his world view, rising prices and unbridled greed were American virtues. To suggest that government might protect folks from such greed seemed un-American. Big government's interference in the natural rhythms of the economy was a sin.

"I wish I could simply wave a magic wand and lower gas prices tomorrow. I'd do that," the president said in a speech to the U.S. Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. "Unfortunately higher gas prices are a problem that had been years in the making."

Some of his friends were pleased with this problem. High prices meant high profits and NPLB seemed like a gift. First tax breaks. Now price hikes. What a good, good life!

© 2005, Jamie McKenzie, all rights reserved. This article may be e-mailed to individuals by individuals, but all other duplication, distribution, publication and use is prohibited without first receiving explicit permission. Contact for information.